The International Engineer

May 1st, 2023

I’ve never felt like a loud American more than during my time in France. I love calling my friends and family here; sometimes, I will pick up their call and will be strolling the streets of Grenoble. And despite my efforts to keep my volume down, I will still get stares as I walk past people.

The most obvious volume difference becomes apparent on public transport. The trams here are dead silent. So are the trains and buses. People who talk are given dirty looks, even glares, and  the French make no effort to hide their disapproval. In sharp contrast are the public transport systems I’m used to in America. The NJ Transit is filled with noise. Often, a group of friends or family members will board together and the entire car will be filled with the noise of their conversations. On the subway people are expected to be more quiet. But there will always be some basal level of chit-chat.

In France, silence is okay, perhaps even preferred. In America, we view it as awkward. People small-talk to fill the room with noise.

I’ve read multiple articles that discuss a “peach” vs. “coconut” analogy to explain the phenomenon. Americans are peaches. Soft on the outside, easy to talk to and engage in conversation. The French are coconuts. Conversations beginning with “So how’s your job going?” “How’s your partner?” Are considered intrusive. There is a large separation between public and private life, and to the French such conversations are only for the very close, the ami(e)s. Interestingly, a peach has a hard pit. In other words, Americans are surface-level socializes. It often takes a longer time to find a genuine friend even if there is more words exchanged in America than in France.

This is why Americans have a reputation of being fake in France, as discussed in my French culture class. We’re too nice. Too friendly. It comes across as weird, or worse as if we’re trying too hard.

Recently, my mom came to visit Grenoble. My whole family loves dogs because we have a dog (an adorable goldendoodle who I miss a lot). In America, we’re very comfortable going up to strangers with a cute dog and asking “can I pet your dog?” So of course, we assumed dog-people did the same in France. But when we went up to people and asked if we could pet their dogs, they seemed a little confused. The conversation that would naturally flow in America, the “Oh, he’s so cute! How old is he? What a lovely coat. Is he X breed?” Never happened. Of course it all makes sense considering what I know now about the French. Strangers keep their distance. These “trivial” conversations are rare. But it was still interesting nonetheless, although in hindsight it was naïve to assume that dog-lovers everywhere are similar.

I think the concept of intimacy is just different between France and the US. There are plenty of things that I find uncomfortable in France related to PDA (public display of affection). I feel that kissing in public is more normalized here as opposed to America. We see that even in the idea of La Bise, a friendly kiss-on-the-cheek greeting among the French for their friends. In fact, hugging is seen as too intimate as compared to kissing. So tip, don’t give a French friend a hug when you see them!

Overall, these subtle social differences are interesting because they speak to the larger ideological differences between two cultures. As an American, I had never considered the significance of small-talk and its implications for genuine friendships and relationships. So in a sense, moving here temporarily has made me re-evaluate not only my relationship with myself, but also my relationships with others in my life.